Hope & Stopping and Thinking

Is it changing anything?

Hope Matters

I love words! Reading them. Writing them. Saying them when they’re meaningful. What I don’t love is saying them repeatedly to the same person, in the same way, especially on the same day. If you’ve ever been responsible for children (or childlike adults) at any point, you probably cringed a bit as you read that last sentence. To say I don’t love repeating myself is an understatement. Y’all, it drives me bananas!

For those of you who’ve been with me since I started these hopeletters, you know Son is diagnosed with autism and ADHD. It’s what they call a co-morbid diagnosis. (Sounds terrible doesn’t it?) What it makes for is years of me making like a parrot. All I needed was feathers and a perch. So, let me help you with what it took me about 22 years to learn to do well. (I’m still working on perfection. This is not about the kids, so keep reading. 😉)

GET OFF YOUR PERCH! And for heaven’s sake, STOP repeating yourself.

This is about you! You hope. You pray. You think you take appropriate action by saying the same things over and over again. By all means keep hoping and praying, but change your actions. Because…*stage whisper* it’s not working. My relationship with Son and, consequently, others has taken a turn for the better since I learned how to do this. It’s going to seem simple, but it’s a bit difficult to do when you’re so used to fussing and repeating. So, here goes.

Before you speak, stop and think.

There I said it. Sounds like something you’ve heard all your life, right? But how often do we really do this in practice. We even tell other people to do it, especially when our feelings get hurt as a result. Now, I’m not gonna leave you hangin’. Let’s flesh this out a bit.

When there’s a message you want to convey, take some time to think about what you really want the person to know. Is it just that you want them to wash the dishes? Is it just that you want them to stop complaining and be glad they have a roof over their heads? *big eyeroll* Is it just that you want them to do their jobs? I could go on and on with these, but I digress.

I find that, when I want Son (or anyone else) to understand something and he hasn’t gotten it, there’s a disconnect in how I’m sending the message and what it sounds like to him. When I sit with myself and figure out what I truly want him to know and reframe my instructions in a way he understands, that changes the dynamic of our relationship, and it also gets things done without me ever having to say it again (or at least every now and again).

Example time! I had been constantly saying, ‘You didn’t do your chores yesterday! What were you supposed to do? If you would just write it down…’ As you can imagine, this got me nowhere. He hears fussing (‘cause I am), and I just want him to get it done. So, I stopped myself from fussing and thought about how I could send the message better. So, thinking that maybe he needed a visual, I created a monthly chore chart. Then, I sat down with him and discussed the chart, why these needed to be done, my expectations, and positive and negative consequences. Worked like a charm (mostly).

Here’s what I learned from Son. It’s often not about the other person. What people need from me might be different than what I’m giving or how I’m giving it. Just because it makes sense to me, doesn’t mean it makes sense to everyone else. I’ve tried this, not just at home but, at work and in conversations that I want to be impactful. It works! I promise it’s not as easy as I’m making it sound; it’s a practice, y’all. *facepalm* It requires me to spend time with myself and evaluate my actions as opposed to other people’s. And in hoping that the other person changes, I’m the one who’s changed.

My hope for you is that you can break the cycle of repetition. My hope is that you stop and think in practice, often. It’ll change you and your relationships.

Here’s hoping. ☕️

Coffee Matters

This one is about to be short and to the point. Y’all remember me telling you about BeanFruit Coffee Co. in hopeletter 4. Well, this week I am sipping their signature blend Crimson Stamp. I keep telling y’all that I love chocolate, and this one has a milk chocolate note that is noticeable and makes for a nice morning sip while reading and stopping and thinking. 😁

Believe it or not, I really do want to hear from you and create a community of hope and coffee. Feel free to use the comment box below to share what you’re hoping and sipping this week.

If you like what you’ve read and would like to keep me fueled up to crank out more content, you can buy me a coffee below.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this hopeletter about my life and coffee. Please share with a friend who could use a little hope or coffee recommendation.